As I turn 40, a process that doesn't happen over night, I glance around my life and wonder where I am. So busy the last decade raising babies and providing for them, which means busy with work too. I look and wonder where am I? Shouldn't I ask who am I? Isn't that the usual question? I don't know. I think I have always known who I am but I think that the who I am has just gotten a bit lost in all the day to day busyness. The masks I wear to run a business have fused with my own skin, my own identity and I pry really hard to pull them back and reveal the real me even if only to myself. Little things of a former me creep back, perhaps its the turning forty thing, perhaps its that my children are at an age when the clinging to my skirt gels looser and looser and whilst they still need me I can take my own independent steps again while they are taking their own. Perhaps it's that I've been doing what I've been doing for work for over 10 years now, a decade, a lifetime, my son's lifetime. So I look and reflect on it all and I wonder where did I go in all of this. This full life, this full of life that I love, this full life that I am so grateful for.I look in my wardrobe. So much blue and grey, even a little pink. Blue's not my colour, and certainly not grey or pink, yet I see so much of it hanging there. Where did it all come from? It's green I love, green that brings out my green eyes. Greens and rich earthy colours, chocolate brown and dark golds. Where are they? Whose clothes are these I wonder? Where are my clothes? Where am I in this wardrobe?
Sure I can blame the fashions. Blue is always in, always more popular and readily available. Blue is the colour they say you should wear when you first meet someone, great for business. But I think maybe I just didn't notice, distracted and swept along by life. I bought the readily available blue. Dressing the masks I forgot to dress myself.
So now, a pact with myself, no more blue- not in clothes anyway. & thank goodness there's always black, whilst I bring back the green, bring back myself.