This week I have found it very hard to get motivated and drag myself down into the dungeon to tackle the growing pile of work. On Tuesday I wasted half of the day not accepting the fact that no work was going to get done- if I had just admitted it sooner the day could have been spent elsewhere, as it was it was squandered in denial.
Sometimes when you work in the creative field, the muses pull you elsewhere or they slumber. It's hard to keep the flow even, it wants to ebb and flow but the demands of work require that the work gets done. It is expected that you will show up inspired, and sometimes your not or else your inspired elsewhere. I find it hard to balance all the pieces that pull at my attention, so many balls in the air, a few get dropped and roll away unnoticed by me while I am distracted by some new and shiny ball, I reach out to grab it, I want to reach with both hands but if I do all the balls will be dropped. And later when I collapse in a pile on the floor I glance under the couch and see one I've dropped, hidden in the dark under a layer of dust. Too tired to pick it up I just blink and stare "oh you, I'd forgotten, I should get back to you." The ball I haven't sustained in the air lately is the physical. It hasn't found it's way into the new routine of working in a home based studio and all the personal projects I have undertaken at present. If I don't move, the energy blocks and the body rebels.
I want to pause the moment in the morning when I awake and my life still slumbers. A few more hours here and I would be content. But those stolen moments only go so far. If I write I don't have time to read, if I move I don't have time to process. If I dream, I don't have time to focus.
It's raining here, a melancholy mood which suits me fine, and much needed to wash away the cloud of dust that landed on us over a week ago. I feel some childhood blocks I've carried for decades shifting, drawing attention to themselves. Heavy they have weighed silently, today they feel like a darkness that requires some light to be shed on whether I like it or not. I know that I will feel lighter if I can leave these weights in the past where they belong. Am I ready to deal with them? Am I ready to shed them? Extra weight offers a lot of protection. I am going to need to be strong in order to shift them. So today I will try to move my body, to shift some stagnant energy, to resume a routine of Chi Gong and dance. I am reminded of a quote that inspired a lot of new projects recently and I bear it in mind as I move forward:
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin